


now real life has no appeal

by TheFifthCircuit



Category: Magic for Beginners (short story) - Kelly Link
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-17
Updated: 2012-12-17
Packaged: 2017-11-21 08:36:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/595701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheFifthCircuit/pseuds/TheFifthCircuit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In one episode of <i>The Library</i>, there is treasure, a map, an explosion, a magic carpet, and swordfighting (well, minus the fighting part). Oh, and a potato peeler.</p>
            </blockquote>





	now real life has no appeal

**Author's Note:**

  * For [octopedingenue](https://archiveofourown.org/users/octopedingenue/gifts).



> With eternal gratitude to Alasse_Irena for beta-ing and not letting me panic. Title from "Oh No!" by Marina and the Diamonds.

Fox is sitting up a tree. And no, it’s not because she’s avoiding The Norns. She just happens to like trees. Is that a crime? (She also happens to like not having to play squeaky dog toys or enchanted bathtubs to the tune of “Come On Eileen”. Avoiding that isn’t a crime either. Er. … She’s totally not avoiding The Norns.)

Fox is sitting up a tree because she likes trees. She’s staying up a tree, because underneath said tree is a Forbidden Book and also dashing-but-treacherous pirate-magician Two Devils, and Fox is not feeling particularly sociable today.

Not to mention that it would hardly suit her purposes to be a part of this conversation.

Pirate-magicians and Forbidden Books are a bad combination at the best of times. Fox isn’t sure that this is the best of times either.

Still, there hasn’t been any blood so far.

“Hand it over then,” the Forbidden Book says in a low voice. His accent is somewhat at odds with appearance. Something that resembles Cockney English combined with a nice jacket, feather boa and elegant platform shoes.

“Not until you tell me exactly what it is I’m getting in return,” Two Devils replies.

The Forbidden Book rolls his eyes and tosses his feather boa over his right shoulder.

“A map. Obviously.” He drawls. “Treasure map, the Blue Diamond, everyone’s happy, yadda yadda yadda.”

The pirate-magician doesn’t look all that convinced, but he slides a potato peeler over the bumpy gravel road towards the Book.

You know what? Fox isn’t even going to ask.

“Oh. Should have mentioned.” The Forbidden Book adds. “You have to find the map. I’m just giving you directions, right?”

Fox is having difficulty seeing through the leaves on the tree, but she’s pretty sure that there’s some sort of scuffle. She hops up to the next branch as quietly as she can for a better view. Two Devils is holding a wicked looking sword to the Forbidden Book’s throat.

In a lounge room somewhere else entirely, they cut to a commercial.

\---

No one is ever actually sure what they’re advertising. And it seems to be a slightly different version every time. But everyone loves talking cats, right? Right.

\---

“You know that if you cut my throat I can’t tell you the number, right?”

“I’ll be wanting that potato peeler back,” Two Devils says. “Then you’ll tell me the number. And I won’t slit your throat.”

“Sounds... fair.”

The potato peeler exchanges hands.

“Very good.” Two Devils says, and steps back. The Forbidden Book sags with relief, then immediately straightens. Bad posture is a cardinal sin for Forbidden Books.

“Now, you give me the number. And then. THE DIAMOND WILL BE MINE!”

Two Devils brandishes his sword. Because he can.

The Forbidden Book takes two very careful, measured steps backwards, and crashes into the tree anyway.

“Yeah, ‘cause that always ends well,” he mutters, looking particularly sullen. “Anyway,” the Book continues in a slightly louder tone, “I thought triple-barrelled job descriptions weren’t really your thing.”

Two Devils abruptly stops his impromptu swordfight practising.

“You know,” the Forbidden Book continues. “Pirate-magician-thief? I kind of thought you were good with just the first two.”

Two Devils looks so ridiculously affronted that Fox kind of wants to pat him on the head.

“This is not thievery,” he says darkly, his voice immediately dropping several tones to properly convey the fact that, were he a weather magician, thunderclouds would be forming around his head right about now. “There is a _map_. This is _piracy_.”

“Right.” The Forbidden Book holds his hands up in surrender. “My mistake, Mr. Dashing-but-treacherous Pirate-magician, sir.”

“I should think so.”

“You- er- wanted that number then?”

The withering look that Two Devils gives him makes the Forbidden Book’s feather boa droop slightly.

“It’s-” the Book whispers, and then pauses for dramatic effect. “912.”

Two Devils nods, and both parties sweep off in opposite directions. Okay, so the Forbidden Book kind of clomps. It’s the heels.

Fox takes a moment to wonder why Forbidden Books don’t just go into theatre, with stage whispers like that.

She swings gently down from the tree, and whistles. A flying carpet nearly knocks her sideways.

A skinny librarian in a cape hops off. (Dedicated viewers may recognise him as The Accidental Sword from the episode with the samurai, the toasters and a rather large chunk of ore, or as the pompous merman in the one where Fox has to disguise herself as a bartender, sculptor and cleric in quick succession.)

“Alistair!” Fox exclaims, throwing her arms around him. “It’s good to see you.”

“Go on,” he says, trying and failing not to affect a long-suffering expression.

Fox doesn’t have the decency to look sheepish.

“Jewelly festival 912,” she says. “What’s the quickest route?”

“Let’s see.” Alistair’s face wrinkles in concentration. “That would be left at the shrine. The old new one, not the old old one or the new new one. Five minutes south, across the scary chasm, right at Postal Communication, over the waterfall, down the steps, and it should be about thirty paces to your- left. No, right. Definitely right.”

“Thank you, darling. You’re a lifesaver.” Fox presses a swift kiss to his cheek and climbs aboard the carpet.

“Don’t forget to return it!” Alistair calls after the quickly retreating carpet. “Folklore! Or maybe carpetry!”

\---

Static. Panic. Frantic pressing of buttons.

_That wasn’t the end of the episode! It can’t have been!_

_Give me the remote!_

Phones ring.

_You too? Thank god. I thought I was missing something._

_Seems like it’s everywhere. Worldwide. The internet is panicking._

_Maybe it’s intentional?_

_I just hope it comes back soon._

Television crackles. It’s back.

\---

Fox leaves the magic carpet two bookshelves back. It’s trying to look like an ordinary floor covering and failing miserably. But it should keep until she gets to 912. Or finds trouble. Whichever comes first.

(Probably trouble.)

“Fox,” Two Devils says with an unpleasant sort of grin, when she turns the last corner. “What a surprise to see you here. I’d thought you’d be too busy filling in for Squeaky Dog Toy Girl over at the Invisible Nightclub. I hear she had a rather unfortunate accident. You know. The thing. With the-”

He mimes a series of ever more ridiculous actions that begins with something that resembles being kidnapped by a small octopus and ends with something that looks a lot like an attempt to climb a rope ladder whilst eating a piece of cake.

“-thing.”

Fox raises an eyebrow.

“So how _are_ The Norns coping without someone to fill in for them?” he enquires.

(In one episode of _The Library_ , Fox was pulled on stage without warning to fill in for Squeaky Dog Toy Girl (whose name was actually Amalia, thank you very much). Apparently she had talent, and so much to her despair is sometimes invited to fill in when band members are otherwise indisposed. Fox is calling it a sort of penance for having stolen that magical drug off them last month.)

“You think no one else in the entire Library is capable of playing along to the only two songs the band knows?”

“Point taken.”

During this exchange, Two Devils has been inching to the left of the stacks.

“I wouldn’t,” Fox warns him. “Whatever it is that you’re planning. I wouldn’t.”

“Oh. Right. We’re going to discuss this like perfectly civilized people, are we?” Two Devils says. “Sorry. I went automatically to sneaky plan and possible swordfight.”

Fox’s grin is bright, and her eyes are sharp. “Well that seems like it would be a little unfair, doesn’t it? For you, of course.”

“Of course.”

The sword he’s holding clatters to the ground, but easily within arms reach.

“Euphoria?” he says, holding a glass out to Fox.

She learned to stop being impressed with the out of thin air schtick a long time ago, once she learnt how it was done. Of course, a magician never tells.

“Don’t mind if I do.” Fox replies.

\---

“Caffeinated. It’s definitely caffeinated,” a boy mutters as he watches Fox down an entire glass of Euphoria in one gulp.

“Nope.” His sister glares at him from across the room. “It has to be alcoholic! Why else would the librarians have decided to banish Story Hour in _Time Stops For No Librarian_? They were _obviously_ drunk.”

“It’s called _The Librarian's Tonic — When Watchfulness Is Not Enough_ , Mia. Don’t you think that implies that it’s not a depressant?”

“I think-” Mia begins, jabbing a finger in her brother’s direction.

On screen, something explodes.

\---

The blast doesn’t reverberate through the entire library. That would just be ridiculous. But it sort of feels like it.

There’s a lot of noise, a lot of smoke, a lot of scuffling and then finally, silence.

When the smoke clears, two whole minutes of screen time and one commercial for Truephase (the teleporting technology that _never_ actually works) later, Two Devils is gone, and there is a very conspicuous gap between _Mapping The Landscape: A Guide to the Southern Regions_ and _Bodily Humors of the Wyvern and the Giant: A Comparison._ Fox makes a note to reshelve the latter sometime soon.

The point is. The map is gone.

\---

rainbowcrackles (08:17:36 PM) whoa, did you see that?  
sorcellery (08:17:57 PM) _right?_ who even puts explosives in the parts of the library that actually house books?  
rainbowcrackles (8:18:11 PM) IKR.  
rainbowcrackles (8:18:13 PM) what were they even thinking?  
sorcellery (8:18:20 PM) i don't even know.  
sorcellery (8:18:45 PM) kind of weird though.  
rainbowcrackles (8:19:02 PM) hm?  
sorcellery (8:19:15 PM) well, fox is _graceful_ , right?  
rainbowcrackles (8:19:24 PM) wait what?  
rainbowcrackles (8:19:26 PM) no.  
rainbowcrackles (8:19:28 PM) she's not.  
rainbowcrackles (8:19:33 PM) she’s super accident-prone.  
sorcellery (8:19:43 PM) well yeah. but still weirdly not clumsy. i don't buy that the whole  
explosives thing as a slip up.  
rainbowcrackles (8:20:01 PM) mhhm, because tv characterisation is always the most consistent  
thing ever.  
sorcellery (8:20:05 PM) yeah, but this isn’t tv. not really. it’s the library.  
rainbowcrackles (8:20:11 PM) so what? you reckon this was actually a gambit?  
sorcellery (8:20:16 PM) yep. calling it now.

\---

Fox wipes her smoke-blackened hands delicately on the fringes of the carpet. The carpet manages to look displeased. Fox glares at it and quietly curses whoever made inanimate objects any more animate than they had to be. Flying is fine. Sulking is not.

She really doesn’t want to have to walk to the river.

She heaves a sigh, relinquishes her dignity temporarily and makes vague soothing noises at the carpet until it floats to waist height.

“Thank you,” she mutters, not actually sounding particularly grateful. To the river, they go.

It’s worth noting at this juncture, that Fox and Forbidden Books really don’t get along. Which is hardly surprising, because Fox has to stop them from trying to take over her world on an all too regular basis. But that doesn’t mean she can’t occasionally make an exchange. Sometimes everyone can come out a winner.

Forbidden Books might have a talent for deceit, but they have absolutely no ninja abilities. When Fox hears the Forbidden Book approaching, she has time to wash her hands in the river and shake them dry before she even turns around to greet him.

The Forbidden Book waits patiently. Fox isn’t quite sure what he’s waiting patiently for. He gives her a look that is clearly supposed to be meaningful, and _oh_ , right. She pulls the potato peeler from the folds of her skirt and holds it out for inspection.

She’s still not going to ask.

The Forbidden Book nods his acceptance and Fox exchanges the potato peeler for what looks like it might be a playing card.

“A pleasure doing business with you,” Fox grins. “But you don’t get any concessions the next time I see you trying to take over the Library.”

“How’d you get it, by the way?” The Book says. “I didn’t think Two Devils was gonna let anyone get their grubby hands on it.”

“Explosions are good for some things.”

(Explosions are good for several things.)

\---

Deep in the Aeland Forests, an x marks the spot.

And where x marks the spot, there are pirates. Or... a pirate-magician, anyway.

The map has led Two Devils here, but not before dragging him through a swamp, making him walk on the side of a freeway during peak hour, and leading him to squirm his way (mostly unnoticed and without accidentally lopping anyone’s limbs off with a sword) through a busy shopping centre. He thinks someone’s cartography skills could really do with a bit of work.

It occurs to him that there are no convenient digging implements around and maybe going through that shopping centre had been a stroke of genius on the mapmaker’s part and he should have bought a shovel while he was there. His sword won’t do. He starts scrabbling with his hands instead.

Fox is sitting up a tree. And no, it’s not because she intends to strike at the last possible moment, when Two Devils has finally uncovered the diamond. You’ll see.

But. How did she even get here without a map? Oh just shut up and watch the show. And be appreciative of the convenience of time lapse, because that kind of digging takes a _long_ time.

Fox’s ears twitch. There is the distinctive sound of- well, if Two Devils had thought this through, then it would be the distinctive sound of the shovel hitting something. As it is, it’s just the distinctive sound of the absence of any further digging.

With no small amount of effort, judging from the sounds of exertion, Two Devils retrieves what appears to be a small treasure chest from the hole he has just dug.

He flicks the catch open.

\---

sorcellery (08:32:14 PM): caaaalled it.  
rainbowcrackles (08:32:17 PM): yeah, yeah.

\---  
 _Better luck next time._ The note reads in neat cursive. _Don’t be too sad. The diamond wasn’t exactly what you were looking for anyway._

Two Devils curses, picks up his sword (as appears to be automatic reflex for angry people with swords) and swings it at the nearest tree. It makes a satisfying thud as it hits the wood.

But someone probably needs to remind him that it’s not an axe.

Up in a different tree, Fox turns over the playing card from the Forbidden Book. The blue ace of diamonds. It’s a particularly pretty card. Fox smiles and tucks it into the pack that she’s just retrieved from the folds of her skirt. Collection complete.

And messing with pirate-magicians is never a bad way to spend a day either. Two Devils never even realised that she’d planted the map in the first place.

\---

Fox forgets to return the carpet.


End file.
